Association of Biblical Counselors Articles RSS Feed

Pastoral Response to Grief

Paul Tautges — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 10:00:00 GMT

[The following is an excerpt from Paul Tautges, Comfort Those Who Grieve (Leominster: Day One, 2009). To order this and other biblical resources for evangelism and discipleship, visit www.dayonebookstore.com.]

A former hospice chaplain, Dr. Paul Tautges has served Immanuel Bible Church in Sheboygan, Wisconsin as pastor-teacher since 1992. His preaching and teaching ministry often takes him overseas, and he is author of Delight in the Word, Biblical Counsel for Everyday Issues, Counsel One Another, and Counsel Your Flock. Paul is also a biblical counselor certified with the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors (NANC) and the International Association of Biblical Counselors (IABC). He and his wife Karen have nine children.

We are God’s loved ones, the Bride of Christ our Lord,
For we have known it, the love of God outpoured;
Now let us learn how to return the gift of love once given:
O let us share each joy and care,
And live with a zeal that pleases Heaven.

- Bryan Jeffrey Leech[1]

“The pastor saw me right after my husband’s death, and he met with me before the service. He said a few words at the funeral. But I never saw him again in regard to my husband’s death. My real struggles didn’t begin until two weeks after the funeral, and by then, everyone was out of sight.”[2] Sadly, this is too often true. Kevin Ruffcorn therefore comments, “The memorial service is not the place to terminate ministry to the bereaved. It is the place to begin a different but no less important one.”[3] Ministering to those who have lost a loved one is a unique privilege and responsibility.

Support for those experiencing loss needs to extend far beyond the traditional sympathy card to phone calls, visits, and Christian fellowship over meals. We must intentionally help those who grieve to adjust to the reality of the changes that have shaken their world.

It is impossible to overemphasize the importance of getting members of the church family involved in comforting one another. The bereaved also need to be encouraged to “stay connected.” Paul Tripp admonishes the grieving person, “God likens the church to a physical body of interconnected and interdependent parts. He reminds us that life is a community project. In grief, it is tempting to turn inside yourself and avoid the community around you.”[4] Therefore, pastors must gently urge those who are grieving to resist the temptation to “pull away” and instead remain as involved as possible in the normal body life of the church.

Sixteen-month bereavement care

When serving as a volunteer chaplain for a local hospice, I was impressed by how long the nursing staff followed up the family of the deceased. It made me wonder why I as a pastor did not do something like that for the people in my church. Since that time, I have sought to be more intentional as a shepherd in continuing to care for the bereaved long after the memorial service is over, the flowers have wilted, the phone stops ringing, and the mailman no longer delivers cards or letters. The following chart is merely an example of a plan that was designed to comfort and encourage a widower in my church and his extended family. Every minister of God’s grace should come up with his own plan, which will vary from person to person and change along the way, but will prevent the bereaved from being forgotten by the church family or from slipping through the cracks of a busy ministry. Notice how the care begins on a weekly basis, primarily from a pastor, and gradually transitions to monthly care provided by others in the church, but still under the oversight of a church shepherd.

Week following the death	Personal contact	Primary caregiver	Done
Week 1	Take widower to lunch. Send sympathy cards to all relatives in the church. Include copies of comforting hymn lyrics inside the cards you send. Give the widower an appropriate sermon CD such as: “God’s Delight in the Death of a Believer.”	Pastor
Week 2	Phone call Written copies of funeral sermon to all family members if deemed appropriate.	Pastor
Week 3	Lunch	Pastor
Week 4	Send “Praying for you” cards to family members. Try to remember key holidays that will be especially difficult the first year following the death, such as the birthday of the deceased, Mother’s Day, wedding anniversary, etc. Put reminders on your computer/in your diary.	Pastor
Week 5	Lunch	Man in church
Week 6	Give widower a small booklet to read such as Heaven by Jonathan Edwards. [If the bereaved is ready for a larger book, I highly recommend Sunsets: Reflections for Life’s Final Journey by hospice nurse Deborah Howard. If the deceased was a child, I highly recommend From Grief to Glory by James Bruce (both resources listed in Appendix 4).]	Pastor
Week 7	Phone call	Deacon
Week 8	Send a list of comforting Scriptures	Pastor
Week 10	Lunch	Deacon and others
Week 12	Give him a small booklet such as Grief: Finding Hope Again by Paul David Tripp [also listed in Appendix 4].	Pastor
Week 14	Phone call	Man in church
Week 16	Invite him to your house for a light snack after Sunday evening service, with a few others from church.	Pastor, deacon, or ask another family in church
Month 5	Have some form of personal contact at least once a month. Be creative.	Involve as many others in the church family as possible.
Month 6
Month 7
Month 8
Month 9
Month 10
Month 11
ONE YEAR anniversary of the death	[This will be a hard day for most people. They will need some form a personal contact: a hand to hold, a hug, some type of physical contact. They need reassurance of how God has faithfully brought them through the past year.]	Pastor should ask a friend of the bereaved to provide this encouragement.
Month 13	Have some form of personal contact at least once a month. Be creative.	Involve as many others in the church family as possible.
Month 14
Month 15
Month 16	Lunch	Pastor and a deacon

When the primary griever is a woman, the minister who is married should bring his wife along when making visits. The unmarried pastor should bring along a few other church members (ideally a mature couple) in order to avoid sending an improper message or putting any temptation before the bereaved or himself. This will also immediately give the grieving woman another “contact” in the church to reach out to when needed. In keeping with the Titus 2:3-5 philosophy of ministry, church shepherds, married and unmarried alike, should get other spiritually mature women in the church involved as soon as possible and transition the personal care to them while remaining available to provide counsel to the primary caregivers. Teaching shepherds should always equip their sheep to care for one another in the flock, which is the main subject of my book Counsel Your Flock.[5] The experience of grief in a local church becomes a time to test how effectively believers have been, and are being, prepared to serve one another. The faithful pastor who diligently equips his church members for ministry will be pleasantly surprised, and deeply fulfilled, by the initiative they show in times of loss.

In the particular case of this widower, much more one-another ministry was carried out spontaneously by other members of the church body. For example, I heard of numerous families who invited bereaved families over for a meal, as well as men who took the new widower out to lunch. The pastor will do his flock much good by constantly teaching other-member care and the practice of biblical fellowship in the church. It is a delight to watch a well-trained body function as God designed.

[1] Bryan Jeffrey Leech, We Are God’s People (1976).

[2] Quoted by Kevin Ruffcorn in James D. Berkely, (ed.), Leadership Handbook of Outreach and Care (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker, 1994), p. 226.

[3] Ibid., p. 226

[4] Paul David Tripp. Grief: Finding Hope Again (Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2004), p. 11.

[5] Paul Tautges, Counsel Your Flock (Leominster: Day One, 2009).

7-Jul-09 5:00 AM

Autism Spectrum Disorders

Laura Hendrickson — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 14:30:00 GMT

Autism is a devastating developmental brain disorder that manifests itself in the first two or three years of life with serious impairments in cognition, communication, and social interaction. Some cases are far more serious than others, and consequently, the concept of a spectrum of impairment has emerged in recent years. On this spectrum, the most severely affected individuals are diagnosed with low functioning autism. Usually those diagnosed with low function are also considered to have coincident mental retardation. Less severely impaired individuals with more normal cognition are generally diagnosed with high functioning autism. The dividing line between high functioning autism and Asperger syndrome is not clear, and the two labels are often used interchangeably, but a child may be more likely to be diagnosed with Asperger syndrome if he appears to be bright. Other rare congenital disorders considered to belong to the autism spectrum include Rett’s disorder and Childhood Disintegrative Disorder. Many children are given the diagnosis of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) instead of autism, but for all intents and purposes these two diagnoses are interchangeable.

“The New ADHD”?

I’m often asked, “Isn’t autism the new ADHD?” By this the questioner means, “Isn’t this just the latest brain chemical imbalance fad that parents are using to excuse bad behavior in their children?” No, it isn’t, but I can understand why some might conclude that this is the case. Autism and Asperger syndrome are constantly in the news, and we’re informed that their incidence is soaring. Children with this diagnosis are, indeed, very poorly behaved if they haven’t received effective intervention. But autism spectrum disorders aren’t purported to be due to a brain chemical imbalance. Rather, the evidence suggests that serious defects in brain anatomy and function are present prior to birth[1]. These manifest themselves later, as the child fails to meet expected developmental milestones, such as speaking and other cognitive skills, that normally occur before the age of three.

An experienced evaluator can recognize autism as early as age eighteen months, although more commonly children are diagnosed sometime between their second and third birthday. Generally, very obvious difficulties like failure to speak or even communicate by gesture are apparent by then. Although the average person thinks of a child with autism as principally being socially withdrawn, this actually is not the most prominent feature of autism. Rather, failure to communicate, and a level of function far below what would be expected at a given child’s age are more ominous signs that something has gone seriously awry in an autistic child’s development. In fact, children with autism are commonly affectionate toward those they know well, not completely withdrawn, as the conventional wisdom suggests. In fact, totally unconnected aloofness is more likely to be associated with severe mental retardation than with uncomplicated autism.

Asperger syndrome is understood by most experts to represent a milder form of autism. Typically, Asperger children do spontaneously develop speech, although it is usually at least somewhat delayed. Some even may be precocious readers who teach themselves to phonetically decode at an early age, but generally it is later discovered that they read without an age appropriate level of comprehension. Asperger children suffer the same deficits in social understanding and ability to connect with others that children with autism do, but it’s less obvious in the preschool years. They are often identified for the first time when they enter school, because their social and learning difficulties become obvious in the more challenging environment outside the home.

Early Intervention

Because young children’s brains are still developing throughout childhood, significant functional gains can be realized if treatment is undertaken early enough, while the brain is still pliable. Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) is an autism treatment first developed by O. Ivar Lovaas, Ph.D., a Skinnerian behaviorist, in the 1970s. It consists of a series of exercises, known as “drills” that break complex skills into smaller pieces that are easier to learn. Once all the steps of a skill are learned in this manner, they are practiced together, resulting in the ability to perform the skill. The child, who is often preverbal, is motivated to participate enthusiastically in the drills by effusive praise and other rewards from his trainer. In time, the special attention is gradually withdrawn as the child’s language skills improve and he learns that success is its own reward. Lovaas found that skills could be taught with enough practice even to intellectually limited children with autism, when presented in this more accessible form.

Since the 1970s our understanding of the immense developmental plasticity of the brain in childhood has increased tremendously, and we now believe it’s likely that ABA stimulates the brain to develop more normally as critical cognitive skills are practiced repeatedly. Researchers have discovered that after successful ABA many children begin to “pick up” new skills by themselves for the first time. They also begin to demonstrate the ability to generalize the skills they’ve learned in ABA to other, similar situations. Neither of these abilities develops spontaneously in untreated children with autism. In fact, some children who complete intensive ABA programs demonstrate large increases in their tested intelligence quotients (IQ), compared to pretreatment values, and some don’t even require special educational services when they start school[2]. Because of these exciting new developments as a result of successful ABA training, many now believe that the autistic child’s brain actually may become more normal as a result of this extended, specially focused practice.

It’s important to understand that ABA early intervention training is most effective when undertaken between the ages of two and four years. For this reason, early diagnosis and prompt referral to treatment is essential. Because parents may be ambivalent or even fearful of receiving an autism spectrum diagnosis, it’s common for evaluation to be delayed. Pastors and counselors can do parents a great service by encouraging them to seek evaluation as soon as they begin to suspect that there may be a problem with their child.

My son, Eric, was diagnosed with autism when he was two years old. He was mute, didn’t understand others’ spoken language, and we were told that he was retarded. ABA was still regarded as experimental in 1990, when we visited Dr. Lovaas’ clinic at the University of California-Los Angeles (UCLA) for the first time, but we were told that this experimental treatment was Eric’s only hope. Today he is an honor student at University of California-San Diego. I attribute his recovery to the God’s grace and the power of prayer, but it’s also clear that one of the means that God used to provide this unusually dramatic improvement was Eric’s early intervention treatment at the UCLA clinic.

Is ABA a Biblical Intervention?

What are we to make of the fact that the only technique of proven effectiveness for the treatment of autism is a behavioral treatment developed by an atheistic Skinnerian? This is an important question to consider, since Christian parents sometimes choose not to enroll their children in ABA treatment because of its behavioral roots. This wasn’t an issue for me, as I hadn’t yet heard of this concern when Eric was diagnosed, but it troubled me when I was told, much later, that I shouldn’t have enrolled my child in an ABA program. I wondered why God would ordain that a technique based upon atheistic principles be the only one clearly proven to be an effective treatment for autism.

I asked my pastor, and he explained to me that ABA is effective, not because the atheistic beliefs undergirding behaviorism are true, but because its technique is consistent with biblical principles. He reminded me that God created man and many animals with the ability to be trained to perform tasks on command by using rewards and punishments. This fact can be observed in nature, and is also demonstrated in God’s special revelation, the Bible. In it we learn that God uses blessings and sanctions to train His people to obey Him[3], and He commands us to train our children this way, as well[4]. Consistent with this Scriptural principle, ABA training is based upon a nonnegotiable expectation of obedience to the trainer, which is established prior to beginning the skill training, and is the foundation for it. The trainer rewards compliance to his commands, as presented in the skills drills, and sanctions disobedience. There literally could be no successful ABA training without it.

So when behaviorists insist that they have discovered a “natural law” which is supportive of atheism and evolution, Christians must insist that they have rather co-opted a Scriptural principle, decreed by God, evident throughout nature and revealed in His Word, and have assigned a competing interpretation to that principle. Christians therefore need not reject this technique because of the assumptions of its creators, but rather must insist that it is a successful technique precisely because it is consistent with Scriptural principles.

Excuse For Poor Behavior?

Can an autism spectrum diagnosis be used as an excuse for poor behavior? It certainly can be. Many parents will tell you that their autism spectrum children can’t possibly meet society’s standard for behavior, and that it’s cruel even to try to make them do so. Christian parents generally agree that God’s Word teaches that they need to train their children consistent with the standards of God’s Word[5]. However, after making heroic efforts over a protracted period of time, they often give up, concluding that autism spectrum children just don’t respond to biblical child training.

But how can this be true? God’s Word tells us that it’s sufficient for any challenge that we may face in life[6]. Special needs people are found throughout the Scriptures, so their presence among God’s people is assumed, but nowhere do we find a statement that exempts them from God’s standards for other human beings[7]. Therefore it can’t be true that autism spectrum children can’t be trained according to Scriptural principles.

I believe that the problem here is a confusion of Biblical principle with application. For example, Shepherding a Child’s Heart is a great Christian parenting book. I absolutely wore out my copy during the years when Eric was a child. In my opinion, Tedd Tripp did a fabulous job of teaching essential biblical principles for winning the hearts of children to Christ. He also derived techniques, based upon those principles, which can be used to apply them to the nurture of typical[8] children. But, while fully accepting the principles Pastor Tripp taught, I found that I needed to modify his techniques to reach my very different child in the most effective way consistent with those principles. The principles are timeless and based upon the infallible Word of God. But the techniques are one man’s ideas about how to apply those principles to the Christian nurture of children. They are not, themselves, God’s infallible principles[9].

Parents often don’t understand this distinction, and this may produce misunderstandings. For example, some parents have told me that Shepherding a Child’s Heart doesn’t “work” with autism spectrum children. The truth is that God’s infallible principles are always effective for training all children, but every technique created by fallible men may not be equally successful in reaching the heart of a child with autism.

The challenge in parenting autism spectrum children is to understand how these children are different, so we can derive new techniques that are appropriate to their differences from the infallible principles in the Word of God. This makes it possible to reach them in a way that they can comprehend[10]. We can never compromise on the principles. We must never suggest that autism spectrum children be held to a separate, lower standard or, God forbid, no standard at all. But we must also offer great compassion to our counselees, many of whom will come to us at their wits’ end, convinced that there is no way to apply God’s standard to their particular child’s situation.

As we do this, we also need to recognize that some low functioning autistic children are very difficult to train, and some will not benefit nearly as much from these techniques as my son did. Unfortunately, not all autistic children are bright. Not all will attain a normal, or even nearly normal, level of function, no matter how diligent and faithful the parents are. Pastors and counselors do need to faithfully hold out the hope of improvement as they show discouraged parents what they may be missing in their approach to the discipline and training of their autistic children. But, an approach that insists, for example, “All the children at XYZ Church are to sit quietly in the Sunday morning service by the time they’re four years old,” will doom some families to self-condemnation and failure. Great wisdom is needed to encourage parents to do all they can to develop whatever potential God has placed within their child, while at the same time offering comfort and acceptance to those who appear to be doing all they can, but are not getting the same results from their efforts.

About Psychotropic Medicines

Great wisdom is needed, too, in the question of medicines for this group of children. When high quality early intervention based upon the principles of ABA is received before age four, many children will go on to achieve something like typical function. I’m always saddened when I meet a preschooler who is already taking powerful psychotropic drugs to control his behavior, because the preschool years are the time when ABA should be the treatment of choice. And yet, despite all the best efforts of parents, behaviorists and special education teachers, some autistic children and adults, particularly those with low function, may need medicines to control their behavior sufficiently to enable them to continue to reside safely in their community. Some injure themselves constantly if they’re not medicated. Others may dart unpredictably out into the traffic, or become violent.

I recommend that parents look into other interventions that have been found helpful before they take the plunge into medicating their child. Many parents have found that special diets, such as those which restrict milk protein and wheat gluten, seem to help some autism spectrum children pay better attention and be more successful in controlling their impulses. Some children also respond well to various vitamin supplements. Spectrum children with sensitivity to noise and touch often benefit from desensitization training. All of these interventions are fairly benign, but others you may hear about from parents are not, and some may actually be harmful. It’s always wise to recommend that parents ask their autism treatment professional whether a particular treatment is ineffective or even dangerous prior to committing to it.

Just the Latest Fad?

One reason why people wonder if autism spectrum disorders are just the “new ADHD” is the incredible rise in their diagnostic rate in recent years. Although the evidence is irrefutable that autism is a “real disease”, there certainly may be some over-diagnosis happening today, particularly among those diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, which is the milder variant of autism.

Back in the 1980s, when I was in my psychiatry residency, I saw only one autistic child, who was very low functioning, during three years of training. This was a common experience for the time. Hans Asperger’s groundbreaking paper on mild autism had not yet been translated from its original German, and its existence was as yet unknown in those years. Nowadays most doctors are aware that there is a broader spectrum of abilities, but this doesn’t mean that they’ve received the necessary training to be able to recognize some of the subtler distinctions between autism, Asperger syndrome, and other challenges.

Parents are also better informed than they used to be. They often bring their children to the doctor with the question, “Could my child have Asperger syndrome?” In my experience, I’ve found a few to be quite determined to receive a diagnosis that explains why they are having so much trouble handling their child. And so the combination of doctors who may not have the training to recognize autism spectrum disorders unless they’re obvious, and parents who are sometimes seeking this diagnosis, could lead to inappropriate diagnoses. For this reason, I always recommend that concerned parents get a referral from their pediatrician or family doctor to a university center that specializes in the diagnosis of developmental disorders, to ensure that the diagnosis that they receive is accurate and appropriate.

But over-diagnosis probably isn’t the only reason for the mushrooming incidence of autism spectrum disorders. I’d guess that more precision in diagnosis is also a factor. Not too long ago, children were more commonly diagnosed with mental retardation than with autism. I’m also convinced that many kids with Asperger syndrome once were diagnosed with learning disability. Remember learning disability? There was a time when every kid seemed to be diagnosed with it. When was the last time you met a young child with learning disability? Instead, it seems now that everyone has Asperger syndrome. And this isn’t an altogether bad thing.

Remember that my son, Eric, was initially diagnosed with retardation, because he couldn’t speak. In the bad old days, he would have remained as he was into adulthood, even though he was actually highly intelligent. With the advent of effective interventions, more children with autism will achieve more normal function. What a blessing! Similarly, Asperger syndrome, although it includes cognitive deficits, is not principally a learning problem; so approaching it exclusively as such is inadequate. Increased ability to recognize it for what it is has already resulted in the development of more effective treatments for these children, who typically aren’t diagnosed until they’re too old for early intervention treatments like ABA. We can expect more progress like this in the future.

Do Vaccines Cause Autism?

As I write this, the autism community is buzzing with the news that the parents of an autistic child recently received an award from the National Vaccine Compensation Board because the vaccines their daughter received “caused” her autism. Many parents still believe that mercury in the Measles/Mumps/Rubella (MMR) vaccine causes autism, in spite of the fact that mercury was taken out of all vaccines in 2001, and the incidence of autism is still rising today.

The recent case determination was based upon the discovery that the child had a rare genetic defect in the mitochondria in her cells that was aggravated by the high fever she suffered after receiving 5 vaccines in the same day. So, in other words, the compensation board determined that the vaccines did “cause” her autism, but they did so by the mechanism of high fever, not as a result of mercury in the vaccine “poisoning” her brain cells.

It’s been known for a long time that high fevers cause brain damage in young children. This is why we stay up all night with our feverish children to cool them down. This child suffered brain damage due to an inborn defect of her mitochondria that was activated by her fever. The result was the development of autistic behaviors that presumably might never have developed if her brain hadn’t been injured by the fever.

The take-home message for parents who are concerned that vaccines could produce autism in their children is that it makes sense to consider requesting that their children get their shots one at a time, rather than in bunches, as the child in question did, since receiving several shots at the same time increases the likelihood of a high fever reaction. I’m also concerned that high fevers may induce brain damage in children who may have other genetic vulnerabilities. Asperger syndrome is present in my family history, but I’ve often wondered whether Eric developed severe autism, instead of the milder Asperger syndrome, because he had a high fever the day he received several vaccines at the same time.

How Can Pastors and Counselors Help?

How can pastors and biblical counselors respond in a biblically balanced and prudent way to the autism spectrum “epidemic”? First and foremost, we should seek to be sources of comfort and encouragement to families who are understandably devastated by this diagnosis. We need to be prepared to help bewildered parents whose faith is severely shaken grapple with the question of why God permitted autism to touch their family. We can offer biblical encouragement, based upon the scriptural evidence that autism spectrum children aren’t outside of God’s grace[11] or exceptions to His principles for their nurture[12]. We can also offer practical encouragement that great advances are being made in autism treatment, and many are being helped by early intervention treatments. We should urge parents to seek timely diagnosis and treatment, to take expert advice, and to do prudent things to decrease their child’s risk from vaccines.

But ultimately, their comfort and safety must be found in their faith that a sovereign God designed their child and planned all the days of his life before any had yet occurred[13]. My life as an autism spectrum parent, and that of my son, are trophies of God’s grace to those who look to Him in faith and wait upon Him in prayer. May God grant all of the parents we seek to help the grace to do the same.

Biographical Note:

Laura Hendrickson, M.D. is a former board certified psychiatrist and NANC certified biblical counselor who currently ministers at the Institute for Biblical Counseling and Discipleship in San Diego County. She is the mother of an adult son who has recovered from autism, and is the coauthor of two books on biblical counseling issues. Her new book, Finding Your Child’s Way on the Autism Spectrum: Discovering Unique Strengths, Mastering Challenging Behaviors is scheduled for release by Moody Publishers in February, 2009.

[1] This evidence includes indisputably physical features that occur in conjunction with autism spectrum disorders such as increased head circumference, presence of stereotypies and other abnormal movements, and the frequent coincidence of recognized markers for structural brain malfunction such as seizures, mental retardation, and motor abnormalities like poor muscle tone and cerebral palsy. I recommend The Neurology of Autism, by Mary Coleman, M.D. (ed.), (New York: Oxford University Press, 2005) to those with medical training who wish to learn more about this subject.

[2] McEachin, J.J., Smith, T., & Lovaas, O.I. (1993), Long-term Outcome for Children With Autism Who Received Early Intensive Behavioral Treatment, American Journal on Mental Retardation, 97, 359-372.

[3] My pastor taught me that God used positive and negative sanctions (“rewards” and penalties, blessings and curses) to train His people to obedience as recorded in the Old Testament historical books, and presented this as a principle throughout the poetical and prophetical books. In the New Testament the deaths of Ananias and Sapphira and the sanctions applied to those misusing the Lord’s Table make it clear that this principle continues in force for New Testament believers.

[4] Proverbs 22:15; Ephesians 6:1-3.

[5] Deuteronomy 6:6-9; Ephesians 6:4

[6] 2 Timothy 3:14-17; Psalm 19:7-11; 2 Peter 1:3-4

[7] See for example Leviticus 19:14; Deuteronomy 27:18, where God’s people are commanded not to mistreat a blind man. This special need is acknowledged, but no special modifications are offered to suggest that his training or worship requirements should be different because of his differences.

[8] Autism spectrum parents prefer the word “typical” to “normal” in describing non-autistic children, because the word “normal” suggests that their children are abnormal, which is an emotionally loaded term.

[9] It should go without saying that where God does command certain techniques of child training, such as the use of corporal punishment, these techniques are infallible and must be used.

[10] My new book, which is due to be released in January of 2009, Finding Your Child’s Way On the Autism Spectrum: Discovering Unique Strengths, Mastering Behavior Challenges (Chicago: Moody Publishers), is a attempt to share the techniques I discovered with other autism spectrum parents.

[11] Autism spectrum children, like all human beings, are made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27), and are sinners who need a Savior (Romans 3: 23,24).

[12] See footnote 7.

[13] Psalm 139: 13-16

8-Jan-09 8:30 AM

Finding Peace and Hope for the Holidays

Jeremy Lelek — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 16:00:00 GMT

The holiday season has emerged from the mundane redundancy of the past twelve months, ushering in a seemingly magical transformation of the social atmosphere. New colors explode in the dark of night as countless houses across the nation are adorned with festive lights. The excitement of children as they await the arrival of one, Santa Claus, permeates the air. Choruses celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ fill small towns as the local church bell provides the all-too-familiar melodies of Silent Night and Away in a Manger. Celebration is the theme of the season, and real life, with all its blemishes and pains, is brushed away into the dark corners of silence. However, if one chooses to peek into the shadows, he or she will see the harsh realities that exist and are even magnified during the Christmas season. The desired “peace on Earth” is disrupted by intrusive circumstances such as difficult family members, the death of a loved one, financial strain, isolation, and loneliness. To ignore those visited by such unwelcome strangers is to fail in living out the very spirit of this sacred season. This Christmas, be aware that all may not be bright, and that some could actually benefit from the love of the One whose life and birth we joyously celebrate at this time of year. When dealing with others or personally experiencing difficulty, consider the following:

Difficult Family Members: Remember the sobering words of Jesus Christ who said, “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who abuse you…If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them” (Luke 6:27, 32). Seek to live for the higher, more glorious purpose for which you were created. Do not fixate on how irritating or frustrating your family members may be or how they may need to change. Instead, recognize their character as a powerful context in which you can (and are called to) change in order that you may more accurately reflect Him (Romans 8:28-29). What is your primary agenda? That others suit you or that you suit the call of God?

First Christmas Without Him or Her: Christians are exhorted in 1 Thessalonians 4:13, “But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.” Believers in Jesus Christ will grieve, but their grieving should take on a different shape than the grief of nonbelievers. There is no silver-bullet to relieve the pain of loss, however, keeping Christ at the center of grief can make all the difference. Three recommendations: First, recall the precious gift of the beloved Redeemer in his giving of his own life so that death would be eternally destroyed, then offer thanks for this amazing sacrifice. Second, use the intensity of your own loss to relieve the pain of another through kind words, showing interest, or offering a loving gesture in order to “love God” and “love neighbor” (Matthew 22:37-39). Third, thank God for the good times and the precious memories.

Financial Strain: Be a good steward of the resources God has given you. Resist seasonal and cultural pressures to overspend simply for the sake of pleasing others. Use this year to contemplate the wisdom of Paul who said, “In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need” (Philippians 4:12). Interpret this year as a season in which God’s hand of mercy is sparing you and your family from the vanity of commercialization, and count yourself blessed that you may peer into the deeper meaning of Christmas.

Isolation and Loneliness: If the holidays find you spending more time alone than that to which you are accustomed, consider the following: Purpose in your heart to be focused on loving God and others this Christmas season (Matthew 22:37-39). Plan to be a blessing by doing something kind for a friend, family member, or a neighbor rather than anticipating the dread of how miserable you are going to be this Christmas. Refuse to wallow in self-pity. Schedule a time to visit a museum or take a walk in the park. Be reminded of the Creator and his eternal presence as you gaze upon the beauty of his artistry (Romans 1:19-20). When alone, be comforted by His love and presence. Take time to open the Bible and read the glorious story of redemption He has freely offered you. Worship Him!

Jeremy Lelek is the President of the Association of Biblical Counselors.

To request an interview, contact:

Audra Jennings
Media Specialist

The B&B Media Group

1-800-927-0517 Ext. 104

ajennings@tbbmedia.com

29-Nov-07 10:00 AM

Biblical Counseling and Accountability

Jeremy Lelek — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 22:00:00 GMT

Sin has again reared its evil head among well-known evangelicals, this time in the form of spousal abuse and divorce. Last week, news articles revealed the tragic episode that transpired outside of an Atlanta hotel in which highly revered minister Juanita Bynum was brutally attacked by her husband Bishop Thomas Weeks. Adding to the mayhem, renowned televangelists Randy and Paula White announced they are now engaged in divorce proceedings that will end a marital covenant of 17 years. As these travesties unfold, the Church would do well to remember several key elements when addressing such sin and pain within the members of its own Body:

Churches must form a biblical structure of church government to which all pastors and ministers are subject. Overseers and elders should courageously govern over all matters of unrepentant sin (i.e., spousal abuse and potential divorce) among those within their congregations (I Timothy 3, Matthew 18:17). For the abused woman, such a structure may offer solitude and comfort as men of God (the elders) confront an abusive husband, and provide proper counsel, support, and instruction to her regarding safety and the necessity of godly rebuke towards her spouse (Luke 17:3). Often, abused women are afraid and ashamed to speak up on these matters because the church has failed in its function of offering such refuge. Additionally, the elders must boldly call the abusive husband to repentance, and offer adequate and appropriate discipleship, discipline, and oversight in the process. The same structure is warranted regarding issues of marital conflict and divorce.

Churches must not fear following through with appropriate church discipline when necessary. Church discipline is not a punishment for being bad, it is a God-ordained measure to encourage repentance among the brethren. Failure in this area is a failure to “love your neighbor” (Matthew 19:19). The apostle Paul found rebuking others to be a difficult process (2 Corinthians 7:8), however, his love for his brothers and sisters to see them repentant before God motivated him to overcome this difficulty (2 Corinthians 7:9). Churches over which “larger-than-life” personalities preside (i.e., televangelists) should not be afraid to confront (in love) those individuals with godly rebuke and discipline when necessary. Conversely, such “leaders” should always function under the authority of a governing Church body.

Christians must always remember Christ in their midst. In Matthew 18:20, Jesus says, “For where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them.” This is not a passage referring to a small group gathered during a worship service. In context, it refers to biblical confrontation. Following Jesus’ command to rebuke an unrepentant believer, he reminds his followers, as you move forward in confronting others, remember, “I am there.” Such remembrance should foster reverence before God in words spoken by all.

These latest episodes of human failure and sin should serve as a reminder of the sufficiency that is found in Jesus Christ alone. The seemingly most devout ministers who rise to unfathomable popularity are nothing more than sinners in need of God’s grace. While they hold a profound responsibility regarding their conduct and lives, they are mere mortals dependant upon the mercy and love of God. They need accountability and discipline just as much as any other person who professes faith in Christ. Christians should be urged to put away their icons as found in evangelists and pastors, and fix their eyes upon the only One deserving of adoration and worship, namely Jesus Christ, the spotless Lamb of God!

31-Aug-07 5:00 PM